Caged Animal

For three days I allowed myself to slip into a depression. I lost motivation to do even the smallest routines that I had made since arriving in Germany 2 weeks earlier. I didn't have the energy to jog. I didn't see the point in listening to my daily German lesson. As much as I learned to say, it didn't help in understanding the quick-speaking locals, and I didn't really have anyone to talk to anyway. I stopped having my evening glass of wine on the balcony, worried that the alcohol would make me only more depressed. I had to swallow a disappointing truth about myself; somehow I only existed through other peoples' eyes, and without any people here from whom to reflect, I felt like nothing.

To make things worse, I felt bad about little Elle having only imaginary friends to play with. I kept thinking of something my friend Sue from America had told me one day as we left a play group at her house. "The best gift you can give your child is a sibling." I beat myself up now for not giving Elle that precious gift when I had the chance.

It was during this 3 day span that Scott returned from work one day excited to tell me he had met another visiting professor from America. He had invited him to join us for dinner the following night and asked me if I preferred to cook dinner or go to the one restaurant in town, which he had dubbed Mario's. I couldn't help but be excited as well. I was so hungry to socialize and I wanted to return to Mario's to see Annamarie and Mario again.

When we arrived at the Italian restaurant, Annamarie had not yet started her shift so we ordered from a young waiter who we later found out was Mario's son. When we ordered milk for Elle, he returned with warmed milk. We remembered then that Annamarie had asked on our first visit if the milk should be warm or cold, and that the owner of a Turkish food stand we visited the week before had insisted that the juice in the refrigerator was too cold for Elle. We corrected him, requesting specifically kalt milche and made a mental note that small German children probably drank their beverages warm so we would have to specify from now on when we ordered milk for Elle. We ordered beers for Scott, Ryan and me.

 Ryan was from New York state and had been in Germany teaching English Literature for at least a year. He was a lanky 27 year-old with spiraled shoulder length hair and a short forehead. While we drank and ate, he told us about his time in German and my interest was piqued when he mentioned a book he was writing. He said he was finishing his fifth draft and getting ready to search for an agent. After grilling him mercilessly about the setting, plot and characters in his novel, I asked if he wanted to hear the idea I had for a novel I wanted to work on while in Germany.

Scott scoffed, "It's a romance."

 "No, it's not just a romance!" I insisted. "Sure, it has an affair in it but there's much more to it than that."

 Ryan said he wanted to hear about it and listened intently while I explained the plot line of the novel. I had been thinking about it for a long time, but until this moment, hadn't even thought of starting work on it. If this 27 year-old had finished a FIFTH DRAFT of his novel, I thought to myself, there was no reason I couldn't at least finish one draft of SOMETHING!

 "The premise is based on something that happened to us in real life. See, when we told Scott's parents that we were coming to live here, they told us that they had lived in Germany when they first married. They'd stayed for a full year in 1955, and in fact, his mother kept a travel journal. She gave me that journal to look through."

Ryan nodded and I continued to tell him my idea to fictionalize from that point on, so the daughter-in-law reads the journal only to infer some secrets about her husband's family from the journal. While struggling with the decision to tell her husband what she has uncovered about his past, she also discovers some truths about her own relationship with her husband. As I rambled on, I became more animated and excited, not only by the book idea, but for the mere chance to talk to someone besides Scott and Elle. I shared the twists and and turns of the plot and the surprises along the way while Ryan nodded approval and Scott rolled his eyes, probably embarrassed by my enthusiasm.

"Anyway," I continued, "Most of the book will actually be a flashback to 1955 Stuttgart through the journal, so I figure while I'm here I can do some research and interviews about the 50s in Germany and start a first draft." I searched his face anxiously for a reaction. "What do you think?"

"Do it! It sounds like something people would want to read." Ryan diplomatically encouraged me.

By this time, Annamarie had arrived and came over to us to welcome us back. She rubbed my shoulder and back familiarly and I savored the touch. Mario peeked his head out of the kitchen to wave to us as well. After two beers, I was feeling relaxed and at peace. I told the guys how good it felt just to drink a little too much and hang out. I told Ryan he would have to take me out on the town drinking some night to let loose. Scott told him I was a "caged animal!"

Before we left, I walked toward the bar to give Mario a quick hug. Honestly, he and Annamarie were the closest thing we had to friends so far, so I wanted to take advantage of any camaraderie I could find. When I approached him, he kissed both of my cheeks, and pulled me in for the hug. He was about equal to me in height, so it was an effortless embrace. His hand rested on the small of my back. When I pulled away and turned to leave, he kept his hand in the same place, causing him to feel my entire circumference, from back to waist, from waist to stomach. I smirked to myself, those Italians are smooth.

 I skipped out to catch up with Scott, Ryan and Elle. "Did you see that? He was able to get an all-around feel of my waist and stomach just by keeping his hand still. He's a smooth operator."

Again, Scott scoffed and shook his head, "You know you loved it, Molly!"

 I laughed, "Yeah, I did!"

"See, Ryan, what did I tell you, she's a caged animal!"